Breakup Day 2022: Dealing with a breakup is tougher than one would ever imagine. There is nothing that can prepare one to let go of a person they once loved so deeply. Let’s accept it, one cannot get over a breakup overnight or even in few weeks. Healing from one is a long and arduous journey that one has to undertake accepting the inevitability of pain and grief that will be part of the process.
While the process of breakup would involve some pain, it can be made smoother by having a positive inner dialogue with self and understanding that sometimes no one has to be blamed for what happened and that leading separate lives can mean a happier future in many cases. Breakups should not be taken as abandonments but a sign that something better awaits you at the end of the dark tunnel.
“Relationship endings with friends, family, romantic partners, employers, etc., are challenging. Even when it’s something you want, it can still hurt,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, Therapist, NYT Bestselling Author, Relationship & Boundaries Expert in her latest Instagram post.
Breakup is like any new phase in our lives, and like every change it may trigger a host of emotions.
“When a relationship ends, you may experience bargaining, anger, denial, relief, sadness, fear or depression,” says Tawwab.
A breakup can also feel like rejection or abandonment because of the unresolved trauma from our childhood and one needs to understand that our brain might slow down the process of healing by making us feel that we do not deserve love and that’s why we are experiencing this phase.
“Many of us carry an unresolved abandonment wound from trauma, childhood emotional neglect, or any part of our past where we needed connection + that person betrayed us or denied us love. When we experience breakups, those feelings all come back up to the surface + we can start to internalize a breaks up to mean something about who we are. “Not good enough” “unable to keep someone” “never chosen,” says psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera on her recent Instagram post.
“Our egos can create many stories to make sense of the loss. Usually, the ego takes rejection extremely personally (it’s how we get to feel valid or important), when in reality breakups happen for a wide variety of reasons,” she adds.
Tawwab suggests you to remember these things after breakup:
* Moving forward takes time
* You are grieving a loss
* You do not have to rush the grieving process
* Two things can be true; you can see the value in the relationship ending and yet, be sad
* You cannot make things work when they don’t
* It’s normal to miss people and have memories about them
* Acceptance can look like letting people or situations go
* Someone doesn’t have to be all bad for you to decide that the relationship isn’t suitable
Dealing with breakup
Here’s how to deal with these feelings that involve self-blame post a breakup as shared by Dr LePera:
1. Move your body: The mind tends to go into racing thoughts post breakup because of the fight or flight response. Move your body to shift thoughts or emotions.
2. Don’t try to talk yourself out of pain: “he was a jerk” “she was selfish” “I’m better off anyway” “I don’t need anyone!” are all things we tend to say to ourselves and they rarely work. It’s ok to feel sad. Be kind to yourself, check in on yourself, let yourself cry. Losing someone you love always hurts.
3. Try not to make impulsive decisions. The abandonment wound can cause intense hormonal and chemical responses in the body. Sometimes this makes us believe we can’t live without a person, must have them back, or make a terrible mistake breaking up. Breathe. Give yourself some space. Let the emotions settle before making any decision or knee-jerk emotional choices.
Bringing a closure
If you are struggling to bring a closure to a relationship for some reason or the other, these tips by Sara Kuberic, Writer, Psychotherapist will help you.
* Acknowledge that the relationship has ended: Acceptance is the first step and the rest will follow with time.
* Recognize the good: There are always both good and bad parts in a relationship. Think about the good things that brought positive changes for you and it would help you move on.
* Identify the wounds or pains: This will help you to understand what’s causing you pain.
* Reconstruct the future (without the person): We are so used to leading our life with somebody that we cannot imagine our future without them. Reimagining and planning our new life with things we liked doing earlier can help move on.
* Re-establish who you are
* Identify what you learned: Life is all about learning and there are some lessons we learn from every phase. Feeling grateful about what we have learned can help one heal.
* Release the “what ifs”: Do not overthink about what the future of the relationship would have been once it has ended. Think about the upcoming phase of your life.
* Forgive yourself (if applicable): If you feel you need to do this, you must to get forward.
* Allow space and time to mourn: It is very important to mourn the loss of a relationship.
* Move on when you are ready.